Friday, July 20, 2012

Letter to Past!Andrea

(This letter is addressed to the person I was 6 years ago.) 

Dear Past!Andrea,

If you are reading this, you are probably sitting there wondering what happened to your life. Trust me, over the last few years I have wondered the same thing repeatedly. Logically, I know what happened, even though emotionally sometimes I’m still confused. Change happened, as it does when life moves forward and you allow your existence to intermingle with other individuals’ existences. Intermingling existences is part of the excitement and pleasure of life, even though it does often bring heartache and sorrow as well.

You’re probably also wondering about the title of this blog. I can hear you thinking, “What do you mean, Over the Rainbow Again?” Let me see if I can catch you up a bit. Six years ago, we were married to the man of our dreams, pregnant with our first child, and about to sign the papers on our very own house! We were so happy and excited about life! We were blogging about the pregnancy experience and looking forward to being a mother, and had even bought a new “mommy” car. Things seemed to be moving ahead with our Outer Court and Coven, and the friends we made were awesome! It was so easy to imagine growing old with our husband, after all, his dreams were our dreams for the most part, and he encouraged us to have hopes and dreams of our own. Of course, beyond building a beautiful family with this amazing man, we hadn’t really nailed down any other dreams. We dreamed of possibilities, like being a healer, being a priestess, being a published writer, making and selling crafts, and being an Excel consultant. Of course, we couldn’t ever decide on one or two of those dreams, and didn’t dream the same dreams every day.

Because there is nothing you can do to change the course of events over the last 6 years, I am not going to go into the full details with this letter. I am sure there will be other letters written where I will try to explain to you what happened at particular points along the way. If I tried to explain it all now, this letter would be novel-length! And while I would still love to write a novel, I’m not sure that’s where I want to go with it. I will list a few highlights so that you don’t have to worry.
  • Had a beautiful red-headed daughter (2007) 
  • Opened the marriage (2008) 
  • Brought home a girl who was a new friend (2008) 
  • Broke up with girl but agreed girl and husband could continue their relationship (2008) 
  • Emotional hell trying to pretend what I wanted to feel was actually what I felt (2008) 
  • Which backfired, of course, leading to severe depression, counseling, and meds (2009) 
  • Long distance relationship with a boy who was already a friend (2009) 
  • Coming off meds because a healthier place had been reached and side effects were annoying (2009) Girl got pregnant with husband’s child (considered meds again) (2010) 
  • Relationship with boy ended for honorable reasons, still friends (2010) 
  • Went ahead with Plan for Second Child with hubby, despite problems (2010) 
  • Beautiful step-son born just before FOS (2010) 
  • Got pregnant in November (2010) 
  • Started dating gypsy girl who was already a friend (2011) 
  • Learned to love long road trips because of gypsy girl (2011) 
  • Had a beautiful brunette daughter who looked like a grumpy old man then but now looks like herself, although people do still comment on what a pretty boy she is (2011) 
  • Separated from husband in November (2011) 
  • Moved to Fayetteville, AR for a fresh start in a safer, more peaceful place (2012) 

The main reason I titled this blog Over the Rainbow Again because I feel like I have been caught up in a tornado of gigantic proportions over the last few years and suddenly found myself in a strange land that is both beautiful and frightening. I am trying to find my way “home” in a sense and making helpful friendships with people who also seem to need something from me. I don’t believe there is a wizard at the end of my trek, for which part of me is grateful. After all, the Wizard wasn’t really helpful to Dorothy in her story, except to show her there was no great and powerful answers to be found outside of herself, and we already know that (even though I still find myself looking for those answers externally sometimes).

The other reason I titled this blog Over the Rainbow Again is a tongue-in-cheek reference because I am in love with a wonderful gypsy musician who strokes her keys in a way that speaks directly to my soul. While we have always been attracted to a person regardless of their gender, I have never before been truly in love with a woman. This woman is a unique experience unlike any other we have had thus far, and because she is on the road more often than not, making those dangerous codependent choices is more easily avoided. We still have to constantly watch ourselves, though!

I still love your husband, but when I closed myself off from the pain I didn’t want to feel, I ended up closing myself off from him. I mourn still for the loss off the beautiful relationship we once had. Sadly, I can’t just bring it back. I tried, and it was more like a zombie rising from the dead, only a shell of its former self, hungry for something specific but never fully satisfied, shuffling along lacking true direction except to attempt to satisfy its hunger. I killed it accidentally and unknowingly in order to protect myself, and when I realized what it had become, it frightened me. I still haven’t actually killed it again, but I did stop feeding it while I try to figure out what to do.

I am working on figuring things out, as always, only this time I am going at it with more fervor than ever before. It is imperative for me to be a whole, healthy person with my own dreams and goals. Figuring out which dreams I want to follow is difficult, though. There’s no good witch to tell me which path to follow to get to where I want to be, especially since I only have intangible ideas about where that is. I want to be happy, healthy, financially secure, and providing a stable home for our children while having fun and enjoying life.

I know this letter will find you in a good place, 6 years ago. Just know that despite the pain you are about to endure, it does have beautiful moments, and everything will be okay somehow. Be thankful for each moment, both the easy and the hard ones, because there are valuable lessons for us to learn from them. I still have to remind myself of these things, although I do tend to shorten it down to being thankful that everything is okay or will be okay.

Sending you so much love to help you on your journey,


  1. Good stuff, luv!! Know I'm here if you need me! :*

    1. Thank you! Getting back into the swing of writing for myself has been wrought with personal obstacles, but I'm finally getting there! <3

  2. Sometimes it's hard (for me, at least) to look back on my pre-life-explosion self. She's just sitting there, baking bread and smiling, looking for all the world like a bunny right before the eagle snatches it up and makes it breakfast. You know what comes next, and you're all "Argh, ruuuuun!" but nope. She's gotta go through it all anyway. Poor thing.

    I'm glad you're blogging again! xo